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In the Boneyard of Our Relationships
By David Jernigan of Hansa Center for Optimum Health
Tonight I was reviewing the last few years journey of self-development. I was reminded of a pivotal change that helped me grow in a huge way. It had to do with all of the relationships I had made with people in my life. I had never realized that relationships are a huge training ground to work on ourselves. A turning point for me came few years ago as I was reading the enlightening book “Embracing the Beloved” by Stephen Levine, one sentence stood out for me that kept running through my head for several hours after first reading it. My brain seemed to go over and over it. It was like my brain said “Do not pass go…until you fully realize the full ramifications of this statement in your life.” The sentence plaguing me read, “In the boneyard of all of our previously unsuccessful relationships from which we increasingly learned to successfully relate - we were working on the other person. Despising them for not becoming what we hated ourselves for not being.” How true this was for me and my life! Although we often walk through our life absolutely buying the story we show and tell everyone else…you know…the story that we are happy, successful, funny, unconditionally loving, and brilliant at everything…the reality that we have hidden so well even from ourselves can be much different. Upon self-analysis we often identify with the ideals we hold as true and don’t understand why we are so easily upset, angered, and frustrated at others when they are weak or not walking in alignment with what we think we are upholding! Interestingly enough, the things that bug us the most about someone else is almost always our own worst issue! What we see in other’s weakness is truly a reflection of true self. We often only talk the talk, but we don’t really walk the walk and this is why we get angry at the other person in our relationship. As I contemplated the “boneyard” sentence I asked myself the questions, “What do I want her to become?” “What am I not being that I want to become?” I was quite dismayed by the large list of things I thought I was being, but was only holding onto the illusion. I knew, for instance, that I used to be a chef in one of the top restaurants in the country, so when it suited me, I upheld this ideal, yet in truth I rarely did any fancy cooking anymore. I have gardened a lot in the past and can communicate well on the topic, yet I hadn’t had a garden to amount to anything in many years. Don’t even get me started about who I ideally saw myself as a husband, father, son, friend… No wonder so many things would anger me in the past. It comes down to having or not having high personal integrity! All the anger and resentment I directed at others was from my own lack of personal integrity. How many of us react poorly with others when it is our own “poop?” Having recognized what had been destroying all of my relationships I have increased my own personal integrity by “Being That Everywhere” and I have changed the boneyard sentence around to reflect a positive slant. In my successful relationships I am now “Admiring the other for desiring to become what I, myself, am striving to be!” Armed with the greater recognition of the source of my negative reactions as coming from within myself, I have thankfully; found it less and less of a struggle to manifest only joyful interactions within my relationships. You might want to look inward if you want to avoid adding more unsuccessful relationships to your boneyard.
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Dr. David Jernigan's Blog - Hansa Center
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